Where Does the Time Go?

How did it become December 31? In just 118 days, I get to marry the most wonderful man I've ever met. I get to build a home with him, start a family with him, and giggle with him every single day for the rest of my life. What an honor!!

In these past few months, much has happened. I was "off the grid" for a while due to the High Holy Days (professional hazard), and then Seth had a much-needed medical procedure. After that, his parents threw us a GINORMOUS engagement party here on Long Island in early December (I'll post some pics soon). And, somehow, it is now almost 2013.

I've always witnessed the drama of wedding planning from the outside. Being the rabbi, and counseling so many couples, I have heard so many stories of family histrionics and upheaval related to the nuptials. This has allowed me to understand all of it rationally, but now, for the first time, it is MY life that gets thrown a loop each time something (or someONE) happens. Crazy how the emotions get involved, no?

So, I'm learning a lot - about the kind of woman I want to be, the kind of wife I want to be, the kind of family I want to start, etc. I am learning when to put my foot down about something, and when to bend. It is fascinating to be given the opportunity to determine what is REALLY and TRULY important to you, and what just isn't.

We have a shower coming up in three weeks, bridesmaids' dresses have been ordered, and bachelorette party plans are taking shape. It's all so exciting, and I am loving every moment (even the learning experiences).

Can't wait to start 2013 - the YEAR OF OUR WEDDING!!

8 Months to Go!!

Well, holy moly! Thanks to an email from The Knot, I just was told that I will be getting married in EIGHT MONTHS!!! AHHH!!!

I don't know, that seems really far away. If I had my way, I'd have married Seth yesterday. I love him so much, and I am so ready for this new chapter of our lives to begin. If I sound impatient, it's because I am (at least about this). He is so sweet, gentle, and supportive, and I know that he will make a wonderful husband and father.

I've just come back to work after a lovely vacation. Having the time off allowed me to finalize the venue, the Lincolnshire Marriott Resort in Illinois. While I was home two weeks ago, my mom and I did a whirlwind tour of seven venues in two and a half days. I had my heart set on the Marriott, but was more than willing to be wowed by another site. Luckily, we visited the other locations first, so by the time we got to the Marriott, we could truly appreciate all the differences.

The woman we met with, Linda, is the ONLY one who actually took time to get to know us. She wanted to hear how Seth and I met. She even wanted to hear about my brother, Adam's, upcoming wedding to Melissa in Minnesota. She wanted to know my vision, my dream wedding, and how we might create it together. I felt so cared for and truly listened to. If working with them all continues to move this smoothly, then we are in for a treat!

I also met with the florist, Tina and Dollie, LTD, and Dollie really helped me formalize my vision for the colors (RED!!!) and the flowers. Between her, my mom, and me, we realized that I've been leaning towards a more 1920's, Art Deco look. And, yes, that means there will be some feathers and pearls involved :)

The registries are pretty much done (so, THERE, Knot - we've already finished that part of the planning). We went with Bloomingdales, Target, and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. The three locations allowed us to choose a heck of a lot of different items for our home, and we had so much fun envisioning what it's going to be like using them in the future.

I'm glad that such good things are already coming together - I should really go on my annual "High Holy Day Lockdown" and just focus on that for the next few weeks. I'll be able to put the wedding onto the back burner for a few weeks, knowing that so much is already falling into place!!

THE DRESS IS HERE!!!

Holy moly - my wedding dress, the dress I will wear at my wedding, the one that makes me feel like a princess and a queen at the same time, in all of its gorgeous, shiny whiteness....

IS IN MY HOUSE!!!

I keep walking past it, as it hangs on my closet door near my living room, and it gives me pause. Is it REAL? I mean, really?

(please note - it does NOT look like the graphic to the left... I just happened to like the image, and my brother always used to call me Ariel because of my singing. And my hair was somewhat red at the time).

I would, of course, include a pic of me in it for all of you, but I just can't let Seth see it yet. I really don't believe in very many superstitions, but I would like it to be a surprise.

The first fitting will be in February - I can't wait, and I hate that it will be awhile, but at least I can use this time to worry about other things. In the meantime, I will be in Chicago for a few days next week to take care of a bunch of in-person meetings (venues, florist, photog, etc).

Whoa, this is really happening!!

Identity "Crises"

Hello from camp! It's already been amazing to be here, to reunite with old friends, to make new friends, and to create new memories.

I'm experiencing an odd convergence of various aspects of my identity. I know that they don't have to be separate, per se, but I still find myself noticing the strangeness.

Here, at camp, I am -

1. Rabbi
2. Teacher
3. Friend
4. Camper
5. Bride
6. 13 year old
7. 34 year old
8. Girl
9. Woman
10. Blogger
11. Tweeter
12. Jew
13. Pop Culture Fanatic
14. Comic Book Fan
15. Singer
16. Drama Queen
17. Sister
18. Daughter

Maybe that's why I like it here? I miss Seth so much, and I think the reason why I really want him to visit me here is because he'll understand me that much more. Camp was such a HUGELY transformative experience for me, and I guess I hope that, just as Seth has loved all the other parts of me, that he will love "Camp Marci," just as easily. 

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to Camp I Go

One of the greatest privileges I have as a rabbi is the ability to go away to camp each summer. I grew up going to Olin Sang Ruby Union Institute, a Reform Jewish overnight camp in Wisconsin. I spent a number of summers there, and it was indescribably formative for me. In many ways, my summers there led to my decision to become a rabbi. I learned that Judaism could be fun, that you could live it as part of your daily life, and that it was MUCH more interesting than Hebrew School made it out to be.

I am only half-joking when I say that one of the reasons I became a rabbi was to be able to go back to camp. But, it's true - each of URJ's camps invites clergy and Jewish educators to come up for 2 week shifts to spend time with the campers, to teach, and to show them how "normal" we Jewish professionals can be.

Tomorrow, I head up to URJ's Crane Lake Camp, up in the Berkshires. I look forward to this all year, and, though it is really hard work, I enjoy every minute of my time there. The camp "magic" still works, even as an adult.

However, this year, it is a slightly more bittersweet - I will miss my darling, Seth, while I am away. We haven't yet spent this much time apart. Two weeks will feel like a long time. Luckily, with various forms of social media and communication, we will never feel far away from each other.

How do you tackle the times where you are in a "long distance" relationship?

Saving the Date

I recently got an email from my sister, and the subject line was, "??????????????????????????????"

Turns out that she was poking around my Google calendar, and she noticed that I hadn't yet saved the date of my very own wedding weekend on my calendar. HA! It's as if I had already sealed it into my own memory so well that I didn't even need to physically type it into my calendar.

And then, there's my dad - he keeps stopping in the middle of a sentence, looking at me with an extra sparkle in his eye, and then saying, "You're GETTING MARRIED?!?!" As his first child, and his first daughter, I'm sure that my wedding is hitting him in ways that I can't properly comprehend. I'm so excited, and so proud, and I can't wait to celebrate this big, special day with my family. If only the wedding was TOMORROW!!

19 Things You Should Do Before You Get Married | Thought Catalog

Just had to share this really sweet article - luckily, at my age, I think I've taken care of most of this. What about you?

19 Things You Should Do Before You Get Married | Thought Catalog

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words!

We took this pic right after he proposed - how would you describe our faces??? 

Chuppah Memories

The funny thing about doing what I do is that I've been to TONS of weddings. I'm now starting my ninth year as a rabbi, and I do an average of a dozen weddings a year, which equals.....wow, at least 108 weddings at which I've officiated. So, I've seen a lot, experienced a lot, and have some ideas about what I like and don't like.

Some of the most memorable highlights:

1) One couple loved their dog SO VERY MUCH that they made him the ring bearer. And, wouldn't you know it - he did his job very well! (Wonder if my cats could do this...)

2) I've been a part of a number of "destination weddings," and they are so very special. Though the guest list has to be quite small, the weddings I've done in Cabo, Cancun, Williamsburg, and others were a true delight.

3) I married one couple on the beach....right in front of Sammy Hagar's house!

4) I was once almost killed by a chuppah pole. The florist had set up the chuppah area, and the poles were HUGE wooden structures. Unfortunately, they weren't supported by anything, and they were each surrounded by votive candles. As we were practicing before the ceremony, one of the poles decided to fall down....right onto me....and to take some of the decorative cloth right with it into the candle flames...I escaped with a bruised ankle and a sense that I had narrowly missed being seriously injured.

5) One couple totally forgot their rings! In the middle of the ceremony, when I asked for the rings, everyone looked around and figured someone else had them. We wound up borrowing rings from a recently married couple in the congregation!!

6) I've appeared or been mentioned in the NY Times at least four times in the wedding section. One of the mentions included a picture...of my TUSH!! My big NY Times debut, and it's only my tuchas that makes it in. Go figure.

I'm sure more will come to mind as my own wedding plans progress. What do you most remember about weddings you've attended? What's your funniest memory?

To Stream or Not To Stream...

I am overwhelmed by all the love I receive from my congregation. I truly am - and I feel so lucky to be a part of this particular community. My congregation is warm and caring, and they LOVE looking after me.

So far, in the last month of engagement, we've all enjoyed sharing the engagement story, the story behind the ring, the dress shopping, even the decision over where to register. I feel like I have at least 500 additional mothers checking on the wedding process (in the best of ways)!

Seth and I have decided to get married in Chicago, which is where I am from, as well as where the great majority of my family is still located. Thus, my congregation won't be able to be there (never mind how much it would cost to include an additional 1500 people...).

We plan on holding a celebration at my temple sometime very near the wedding - like a Havadalah with small noshes, or even a special oneg shabbat after we hold our aufruf.

But, then, one of my congregants suggested something: "Maybe you could stream your wedding online, Rabbi, so that we can all see it???"

Hmmm.....could be fun - especially for all of our relatives and friends who may not be able to make it to Chicago. I hadn't even thought of doing this. And it would be very special for my congregation, too, I would imagine.

What would YOU do? Do you think that you might choose to stream your wedding ceremony online?

Welcome to the Tales of the Rabbi Bride!

Yes, that's right - I'm a rabbi. And a bride. And, I suppose, a Rabbi Bride! I'm extremely pleased to announce that I became engaged on June 15, 2012 to the love of my life, Seth.

As a rabbi, I live much of life in the public sphere. And, truth be told, I happen to be very devoted to social media, which seems to just encourage the fishbowl effect that much more. In all honesty, though, I love sharing my life with my congregants, just as they entrust their most sacred moments to me.

Thus, after many requests, I have decided to start a blog to share thoughts, reflections, happy milestones, and more along the way. Seth and I are aiming for an April, 2013, wedding, though nothing is yet set in stone. Stay tuned here for more information as we make decisions, weigh different options, and put our  big day together.

And, B"H, this blog will lead to me one day becoming a Rabbi Wife, and then a Rabbi Mommy!

Come along for the fun!

The Ballad of the Single Female Rabbi (originally published in the New York Jewish Week)

Published on The Jewish Week (http://www.thejewishweek.com)

Home > The Ballad Of The Single Female Rabbi

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The Ballad Of The Single Female Rabbi

Rabbi Marci N. Bellows

Friday, June 29, 2012

Rabbi Marci N. Bellows

Jewish Week Online Columnist

 There are so many amazing aspects to being a rabbi. It is a privilege to join people during their most special lifecycle moments (those of joy and of sorrow), to help draw them closer to our heritage and to the divine, and to mark the Jewish year with meaningful ritual. I truly love it, and my life is enriched because of being a rabbi. I have never once regretted taking part in this holy work, except…

… when it comes to dating. Holy moly, it is so tough to date when you are a single female rabbi. My friends and I bemoan this often, and we’ve all shared similar experiences. Most of my colleagues who are married met their spouses either before they began rabbinical school, or during. Thus, the relationships were established long before they entered the rabbinate itself. For those of us who are single, it’s really hard to find someone who will willingly embark on this journey with you, through all of its ups and downs. It’s virtually impossible to find someone suitably brave in a bar, and it’s difficult to lay it all out honestly and candidly in a dating-site profile.

In my case, I began the first year of rabbinical school engaged to my “college sweetheart.” The realities of my chosen career path didn’t set in until halfway through my second year of school. That’s when he decided that he couldn’t imagine living his life married to a rabbi. He told me that he wasn’t interested in being so intensely involved in the Jewish community, and he didn’t want to live in a fishbowl, as clergy life often requires.

So, I was single for about a year before I began my next major relationship. I was still in rabbinical school, and the boyfriend was also in graduate school. We shared the trials and tribulations of academic life, and discussed the challenges of the rabbinate in abstract. Yet, abstract notions only go so far, and things changed once I was ordained a few years into the relationship. I started to hear the same refrain – “I don’t want to live my life in the synagogue. I don’t want the scrutiny of the congregation. I don’t want to have to go to large events all the time.” He wished that my work could remain work, and that home was home. Unfortunately, there are many ways in which the rabbinate is a 24/7 job, and it is often more of a lifestyle than a career.

Additionally, I came to understand that he was experiencing a significant feeling of inferiority, based on my success as well as my position. It’s often easier, in our society, to picture men in powerful, executive roles. We aren’t always ready to deal with women in these jobs. I have heard similar complaints from women who work as doctors, lawyers, or other professionals.

Even though we celebrate the 40^th anniversary of the ordination of women rabbis this year, there is still much to learn about the experiences of being a woman rabbi. The boyfriend was ultimately unable to celebrate my achievements without feeling bad about himself, and this made me very sad at the time. He also viewed the synagogue as “the other man,” and I couldn’t do anything to change this. The relationship ended three years into my life as a rabbi.

Since then, I dated on and off, without anything lasting longer than six months. Each time, the “rabbi issue” became a deal breaker, and I desperately hoped to find someone who was confident and comfortable enough with himself that he could stand by my side no matter what. Someone who was social, kind, wise, compassionate, patient, loving, and forgiving. I knew that this wasn’t too much to ask; I saw that many of my women colleagues had such a partner. Yes, I would find the occasional guy who thought it was cool to date a rabbi, merely for the uniqueness of it, but he would inevitably lose interest once the novelty wore off and reality of my job set in. This only became more challenging once I transitioned from being an assistant rabbi to being a solo rabbi in my own congregation.

Until Seth.

Seth didn’t even blink when he learned I was a rabbi. We met online, talked about it, and he was totally comfortable. He and I are both “others-centered” people, and so we enjoy nurturing and caring for others. He understands the demands of my work, but also feels honored to be a part of it. He kvells over me, enthusiastically reads all of my Jewish Week articles, chats with my congregants, and loves attending services.  I’m still having a hard time getting used to it – I keep expecting him to get fed up and walk away. Seth looks forward to helping me make all my dreams come true, just as I do for him.

So, I’m very happy to announce – we just got engaged. In true rabbinic-life fashion (this would be perfect if we were part of a reality show), Seth proposed about seven minutes before the start of Erev Shabbat services. I was totally flabbergasted, said yes, but then said, “but I still have to run things off before services!!” We laughed, and I had to try to switch into “rabbi mode.” Instead, I walked onto the bimah in a daze, sang the opening song, and then paused the service.

“Did you hear the one about how to make a rabbi totally ferklempt right before services? You propose to her!” I said, right before the entire congregation broke out in song and applause. It’s been a whirlwind since then, and we are appreciating the outpouring of love and good wishes from the extended Jewish community. Part of me worried that I would never find someone for me, but now I realize that I just had to wait for my beshert.

So, as I’m often asked, if you call the wife of a rabbi a “rebbetzin,” what do you call the husband of a rabbi? LUCKY.

Copyright 2010 The Jewish Week

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